Topic: My recent story - some guidence would be good
Thu, 28th June 2012, 8:58pm
I've joined up in the hope that sharing how I'm feeling will help me deal with it and seek some reassurances. My wife and I have a 4yo son, but after 2 years of trying for a second child, and a year of IVF we FINALLY fell pregnant! however, at 7 week (1 week ago) we misscarried. The last week has been hard, but while i found myself extremely upset for the first couple of days, I move(d) on rather quickly and am now focusing on changes that need to be made in our lives. However, during this time my wife (& I) have criticised how little help her family have been to her, and not even a call or text message to ask "is there anything we can help with" etc. It has really hurt her!
Anyhow, my wife returned to work today for the first time (I have been back all week) and it has been a very busy time with appointments etc. Today i did exactly what I criticised her family for - I didnt even call her to see how her first day back was. No text nothing! And I HATE Myself for this! My wife is so angry with me, and feels completely alone. I feel 100% responsible but can't seem to fix it either.
She accused me of being selfish as I did speak to her once today - and asked about something I needed help with. It didnt cross my mind to ask her about her day. When she got home and I realised how angry she was, and what i had done, i felt instantly sick in the stomache.
This isnt the first time this sort of lack of caring form my side has happened, and I hate being this way! yet every time i try to do something about it, I fall back to the same old trap - what seems to be selfish/lazyness. EVERY time it happens I hate myself for it and think "i'll fix it" but I can seem to
What the f**k do I do? I hate being this way, but can't seem to fix it either.
Thu, 28th June 2012, 9:18pm
Apologise, then read "what u typed above" to her. She will see that it deeply affects you and hopefully that can be the start of the healing.
Fri, 29th June 2012, 8:55am
Hi Westy, Thanks for your post and welcome to The Shed.
This kind of situation is so common, so you're not alone, especially here. It's not your fault, it's the way your head is trying to deal with this horrible situation. The problem is letting the people around you know what you are going through. I'd suggest almost booking yourself a time with her, otu of the house, out of the normal routine, this may help you open up a little more.
I'm sure there'll be more Shedders with more advice here too. All the best.
Fri, 29th June 2012, 1:04pm
You need something to jog your memory through the day. Something like the old 'string tied on a finger'. Chose an object you use often through the day, then stick a post-it or something over it, so you always see it. Something that you physically have to move out of the way to use the object. A woman always feels a loss from miscarriage far more than a man, and, although you need support through this, she needs far more, and she needs it from you.
Fri, 29th June 2012, 1:52pm
Big bunch of flowers and an "I Love You" card can work wonders with the ladies!
Fri, 29th June 2012, 5:02pm
G'day Westy....maybet a reminder in your phone, make an "appointment" with yourself to call her, don't text, they're okas an inbetween. Just be there to listen...Blokes try and fix things,.....have you notice how ladies are good at getting in a group and chatting....I bet very few offer "the big fix"....anyway that's what I used to do, it worked well...have it reaccuring every day....even on weekends....Yep, the bunch of flowers or somehting nice and some time with your best friend would help..Take it easy mate
Fri, 29th June 2012, 5:34pm
G'day Westy....true story.
My younger sister married well into her fourties...tried IVF 3 times...none went the distance...both her and my brother-in-law were shattered at each failure...each withdrew into themselves after the event....
They were so envious of my wife and myself.....it used to hurt so much to see them playing with my kids when they were little....so much heartache and sadness in them...and yes....a bit of what you speak of as well...they, like you deserved better.
A good friend of my wife and I...had IVF for a second after having a son, like you...so many times they were disappointed...and eventually they had to settle for him alone...at least they had one to cherish...
The best advice here..is a mix of all of the above....flowers..time together...do the little things to show her you care...let her read what you wrote if you can't express yourself verbally....set aside time to speak with her...create reminders....
Make sure you have no feelings of blame for her on a sub-concious level....that that isnt the reason for forgetfullness on your part.
Her family might be being discreet about everything..knowing how much a second is wanted in your home...(I'm sure a second child would delight all of them)....she and you...need to broach the subject with them...bring it out into daylight...in a matter-of- fact way...to by-pass their possible reluctance to open a wound in both of you. Then see how much support is forthcoming.
Time...give yourselves breathing space and see how it plays itself out
~ I hope sincerley..that when your second arrives...your "one" turns into "three"...as it eventually did for me..:-)~
Fri, 29th June 2012, 5:54pm
Well said Steve, It's hard to understand or comprhend how hard it be, our kids just came along, a son and then twin girls, you try to understand but unless it's happening to you . I couldn't think what it'd been like....I thank God every day for them...Take Care
Sat, 30th June 2012, 5:30pm
I was miscarried 3 times before I hung on. My sister was told she could have kids so they adopted their first, then did the very frustrating IVF for the second and they got the shock of their lives when she fell pregnant naturally for their third. Having kids is quite tricky, and miscarriages are very sad.
Forgetting things is quite natural for most men, especially when it come to our better halves. I am of the philosophy of never giving flowers to appologise or on Valentines, anniversaries or birthdays etc. It's really important to remember to show her that you care and you're thinking of her. Above are some great suggestions. Stuff that comes out of the blue is my way. Flowers for no reason at all. Go out of your way just to give her a hug and tell her how special she is to you. Keep reminding yourself "have I done anything for her lately?" etc. just get into the habit of it. I give mine a ring most days at morning tea. Make sure she knows that you appreciate her.
Illegitimis Non Carborundum
Sat, 30th June 2012, 10:52pm
My thanks..to Pluggah for his kind word...to Fergie for seeing something of value in what I tried to conveigh.
Cedric, Ken, Johnny and 2&2 all have greater advice than mine.
Westy....I have 4 kids...all girls...~no, wouldnt trade any of them for a swinging-dick~...
My wife and I...the one I am seperated from....tried for nearly 2 years to have our first child...tests..anguish..self-recrimination...the works....and then she was born...as I watched..:-)
An interlude of two years + a week..and then we had three...twins...no history of it in my family...out-of-the-blue....3 of two years or under...the first 12 months went like a blur...
There is a point to this so bare with me...
Our 4th....was born 5 years later...a complete suprise...the one I think of in my mind as "My Favourite Mistake"...she is 15 now and very special to me..as are her sisters so dont ask me to play favourites here..ok?
My point is simple....life deals you good hands and bad...until the cards are thrown at you...you have no idea of whats next..your weakness is dwelling on your losses..a hand that didnt fall your way... your strength is knowing what you have..a loving wife and a son you both cherish...no matter how each future deal leaves you..you are still in front...
Never forget what you have...cherish it every day.
~drying the dishes tends to throw them off balance...time well spent together...~
I sleep alone these days..you dont..count your blessings.
Tue, 3rd July 2012, 11:03am
Yeah Westy-80 - Been there of sorts. Steve clegg has a point to a degree but I wonder if the rest of your "clan" has asked themselves how you were travelling ? When we start forgetting stuff like that it means the flow of things from the heart has slowed down and others have eluded to this. My point is I dont think you need a PHD in psychology to understand why. I have noticed that we are born to love sacrificially but not pointlessly. An 18th century English poet James Leigh Hunt captured this point beautifully in "The Glove and the Lion" You should at least read it some times. That way you will know that at least one other person has felt what you are feeling. It will definatly easier to deal with when you realise your needs are as important as everyone else and they have been sorely neglected. Remember neglect is a prelude to dysfunction which when children are involved makes them targets for predators. (70% more likely to be abused) It ISNT you or her or the rest of the tribe it THEM your kids. The best gift you can give them is US . That way they will actually have dreams and desires and a wonderful life . Its time families realise that we have to strengthen each other NOT standing idly by and watching them self destruct. What will happen to you and your wife if this is allowed to continue is sad. What will happen to your kids and grand kids is tragic. I hope some of your family reads this. Cheers Thud