Topic: rant cont
7 Posts
Sat, 3rd March 2012, 2:52am
I know your responses. I have to stop focussing on the the things that get me down. There are far worse lives that I could have been forced to live. I get that. I really am not feeling all woe is me. I really do appreciate the peace and ease of my life in this world. but its like my gears just wont turn when i want them to. its like im stuck and sinking slowly. I have tried so many ways to develop and change the way that I feel, from anti-depressants, to self help, to psychology, to philosophy, to hypnosis, to spirituality, to meditation. but I never seem to be able to convince myself that life isnt shit. I just cant find a way to be happy. all of my experiences have hurt and ground me down like decaying meat put to the grindstone. The pained reactions to the lives you all seem to enjoy come so quickly to me that i have no idea what thoughts occur in me that make me always feel broken. I want to participate. To love and enjoy life. But i never enjoy life when im trying to get out there and live it. Instead i feel nervous, sick, like im boring you and like you hate me before you have even finished saying the polite obligatory hello you sometimes give me.
I am lost, confused and have always felt an outcast. And I'm too much of an unfriendly miserable arsehole to want to be a part of what humans do anyway. I cant find a solution.
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7 Posts
Sat, 3rd March 2012, 2:55am
Rant Part I
Every thing i think about turns to shit in my mind. i have no energy to start anything much less to see it through. I wish I could be someone who gave a shit. i wish i didnt see life as inevitable decay. I wish i didnt bore you and sound like every other depressed mother f****r you have ever heard. I wish there was something in me other than this sick heavy shit feeling. I just want to stay in bed all day, whack off to porn and watch movies and play video games and eat. I am a slug, no. worse than a slug. I slug goes out. a slug slides along on a journey from somewhere to somewhere else. ususally the back step, from the shed. Are there baby slugs? where do they come from? what do they even do? Just because I dont know what they do doesnt mean they dont serve some purpose, everything in life does. Except me.
But I don't because i have asked myself too many times and in too many ways, what is the purpose anyway? I get no response. I have tried to just accept there is no purpose. I have tried to just enjoy life anyway. But I don't. I just dont feel happy or enough energy most of the time. Sure, sometimes I get a good mood because of some external thing that made me happy. A person being nice, a nice animal. But it never lasts long. Every day i wake up late and feel like a blob of cement, almost dried but still throbbing with the heat of its chemical reaction as it congeals and becomes a cold immovable block. I dont want to feel this way. Giving up like i have doesn't make me feel proud, or like im showing you all like there is some kind of revenge in how miserable and unproductive I can be. I know you don't care. It won't make you think "Hey that guy is right, everything really is shit if i ask why I'm even doing anything."
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488 Posts
Sat, 3rd March 2012, 8:24am
Hello, 1Person.
I've read right through your rant, and a rant it is. I'm not going to tell you to stop focusing on the things that get you down; I'm going to tell you to stop focusing on yourself. This may sound really harsh, but, you need to get out and make your life have meaning. Do some community volunteer work to help people in need. Do something productive. Think of other people, and make yourself useful to them. If you make other people important in your life, you will then become important in theirs.
Ken
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38 Posts
Sun, 4th March 2012, 8:27am
"I really do appreciate the peace and ease of my life in this world."
I'd say you have everything but, peace and ease. Whilst there are always people worse off than yourself, it doesn't mean that your privation is any less valid or real.
"The pained reactions to the lives you all seem to enjoy come so quickly to me that i have no idea what thoughts occur in me that make me always feel broken."
You might have come across this, but a technique that can be useful for some people to help reveal and examine their thoughts more thoroughly goes like this:
I feel like shit
and that means...
I feel alienated
and that means...
The idea is to write your thoughts down on paper and use the 'and thats means' question to get to the bottom of what you are thinking and not just allow passing thoughts to go unchallenged. It can also help slow your thinking process so you can keep up.
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40 Posts
Mon, 5th March 2012, 10:40pm
Hi,
I find physical activity - any sort - helps. It's not a cure, but if you can get yourself to do a bit more than yesterday, it helps more.
Please accept my best wishes. I hope you beat this thing.
Dan
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63 Posts
Wed, 7th March 2012, 9:03am - updated - Sat, 10th March 2012, 8:19am
m
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111 Posts
Fri, 9th March 2012, 8:55pm
1person, If you drop by again, I'd like to talk to you. Except in interests, you sound a lot like me. I read what you said about yourself in an earlier discussion. This one sounds even more like me.
Interests - Well I find philosophy interesting. Never had anyone to talk about it with tho'.
I haven't got the answers for you. I'm suspicious of tidy logic.
I think you're probably helping yourself on this site.
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111 Posts
Fri, 9th March 2012, 9:12pm
I don't actually know much about philosophy, especially about the various philosophers like Kant, Sartre etc. or Existentialism. I don't expect to find too many answers there. Maybe I'm wrong. I listen to ABC radio national "the philosopher's zone" most weeks. It doesn't tell me a lot.
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111 Posts
Fri, 9th March 2012, 11:04pm
Oh yeah - pschology too. I sent you a mate's request (1&2 people) and I get an email if you reply here.
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111 Posts
Mon, 12th March 2012, 9:14pm
Advice is a bit of a dilemma. I've had a lot I couldn't follow. Made me feel guilty, not trying hard enough. But I listened in case there was something new. Still do.
I've grown a bit of a shell against advice over the years. I no longer worry about not being able to "think positively". I think that piece of advice is overrated. There is a lot more to it.
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7 Posts
Tue, 13th March 2012, 12:37am
thanks Coln. its nice to be able to express my thoughts without just copping abuse. unlike the responses ive received from some on here. i doubt that there is much value on a forum that wants to define men so narrowly as making it a "Shed" and making it all about being blokey and stoic. THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH MOST MEN AND THEY ARE STILL ENCOURAGING IT. yep i agree about the just be positive stuff. it hasnt helped me. nor have many other pscycological techniques and philosophies ive tried. i guess thats why ive begun feeling pretty scared and wanted to express the raw thoughts and feelings on here. i figured here would be a place where it might be related to. im glad you can.
over the weekend i really hit a bottom. my vision started closing in and i moving and getting up felt like i weighed a ton. but i was lucky enough to be able to talk to my family without alarming them too much (they live on the other side of the country) that helped. so at least they knew. and i dont have to act all normal and full of life when if i see them sometime. i did alot of thinking and realised my mind goes through such complex mazes of thought where i weigh up the philosophical rammifications of everything and it always comes out with the same responses. defeat and meaninglessness. once i see an imperfection in an idea or a decision i have to make, i feel defeated and i give up. i also have picked up from all the techniques and "advice" as u say over the years some pretty rigid and not always correct views. i need to give them away and start with not going down the defeat maze all the time and also not being so judgemental and relying on the stories ive built up in my head. they are obviously wrong. thats why im miserable. so now when a decision gets tough or becomes imperfect or meaningless im just gonna say.. hey thats just my brains default setting. and ill continue looking into the decision and get advice or look for new evidence or move on.
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7 Posts
Tue, 13th March 2012, 12:43am
i dont know if that makes alot of sense. but i had a dream on the night i realised this stuff. i had climbed a mountain with Jane Goodall (that chimp scientist) and suddenly i was reaaaaally high up and i couldnt move at all. there where no ledges to climb down and the vertigo made it impossible to move. i had to force myself to wake up i was that stuck. and thats how my mind has become. ive been stuck by the maze that leads to defeat and meaninglessness. who knows maybe that maze of thought is right. and life is meaningless. but life in the moment isnt. it isnt meaningful or meaningless. it just is. now if i could just figure out how to overcome my social anxiety and the fact i find most people to be hostile and unfriendly and how to either not notice that or not worry about it. then ill be alot more sorted. i dont know what my purpose is here. but i have a few things i enjoy. and the less i worry about my purpose the more i seem to enjoy those things and the more energy i have to give something back to the world and get something from it to i guess.
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7 Posts
Tue, 13th March 2012, 12:56am
you mean people like you ken? nah thanks
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1,455 Posts
Tue, 13th March 2012, 6:11am
1person,
Sad to read your comments about men and their sheds. However, it seems that you are able to recognise that not all your beliefs are on the right track. Everyone to his own I suppose. Not a member myself, but I do believe in The Shed and all the good they do for men and communities.
I wish you all the best in the future in being able to get your issues under control and management.
Bob
wines65ofMargate(Ex Silentio)
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25 Posts
Tue, 13th March 2012, 11:15am
Danalong writes
--------------------------------------
Hi,
I find physical activity - any sort - helps. It's not a cure, but if you can get yourself to do a bit more than yesterday, it helps more.
Please accept my best wishes. I hope you beat this thing.
Dan
I think if he went to a gym as he describes himself "he would be noticed".
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25 Posts
Tue, 13th March 2012, 11:37am
If it makes you feel better, I am a paranoid schizophrenic and have been almost a total recluse for over a year. Just two people kept regular contact with me in my flat and I went to their house for dinner each week. I started rehab for physical injuries 8th January and this was the first time in 2 years I left my flat on a regular basis, to do stationary cycling, walking and rowing on gym equipment. This was huge to get out after so long and daily. My junkie neighbour noticed the old (58) mentally ill neighbour was leaving his flat regularly and first my IPod (I have to have for training, blocking everyone else out) was stolen from my car. Next, on my birthday 15th February I was robbed by my neighbours friend and visitor, everything I treasured in my tiny life was stolen, all which was important and treasured, like my new IPod touch, my only xmas present from anyone and from my only friends. He took my phones (catastrophe no communication or internet as I use hotspot), he took my training shoes Asics Kayanos I need every day for rehab, he took all my computers (I have a problem where I can not have enough Netbooks or notebooks, he stole all five).. He took my watch I use for training everyday, all my techy stuff and my whole life’s treasures left me "nothing". I am a pensioner and had to buy phones, IPods shuffle ($48), shoes, watch etc the next day or so just to try to normalise my life, and it was a fail, so I now feel as you describe yourself and am sinking daily! Why? Because the Police told the Insurance I gave my goods to the junkies for drugs? An absurd statement and untrue. The Insurance is ignoring me totally and I am so overwhelmed by Police and Insurance I can not articulate a complaint or do anything to get justice! So I sink further into the abyss. Then the junkies ran a terror campaign against me and tried to chase me out! I have stayed at my only friends for weeks. The thief was the Detectives FIZ! I am a Scitzo; I just don’t matter to Police.
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25 Posts
Tue, 13th March 2012, 11:42am
Ken_67 writes
--------------------------------------
Hello, 1Person.
I've read right through your rant, and a rant it is. I'm not going to tell you to stop focusing on the things that get you down; I'm going to tell you to stop focusing on yourself. This may sound really harsh, but, to me, what I read is one of the most self-absorbed piece of sekf-pitying diatribe I have heard in a long time. You need to get out and make your life have meaning. Do some community volunteer work to help people in need. Do something productive. Think of other people, and make yourself useful to them. If you make other people important in your life, you will then become important in theirs.
Ken
I did exactly what you prescribed and look what happened to me!
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488 Posts
Tue, 13th March 2012, 1:56pm
Hello, Ric.
Sadly, there are real scum in this world, onlyt too ready to take advantage of vulnerable people. It's doubly bad when they hit you just as you are starting to get your life into some order. I hope it doesn't stop you from still fighting. Maybe you need to change your insurance company, and see if there are ways to increase the security of your property. Maybe your friend can help you get some justice, or help you to get over this bad time.
Ken
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55 Posts
Tue, 13th March 2012, 3:19pm
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111 Posts
Tue, 13th March 2012, 10:36pm
Just in case my post got moderated out, yes, commiserations Ricg!
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111 Posts
Wed, 14th March 2012, 3:58am
Just a thought, Ricg. What about your local MP?
I think you articulated your complaint well. Maybe somebody else here has a bit of experience with MPs, and could advise. The harassment in particular deserves action.
Sorry if I've only suggested the bleeding obvious.
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