MartinB
36 Posts
Sat, 14th January 2012, 9:46pm
Content removed at member's request
Disappointed in myself
Topic: Disappointed in myself
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Reply:
Ken_67
486 Posts
Sat, 14th January 2012, 10:27pm
Hello, Martin.
Welcome to the Shed. I'm sorry I can't offer you any consolatory solution. I have seen similar self-destructive obsession in people before, by people who get addicted to gambling, and once the damage to a relationship has been done, it cannot be undone. You have destroyed someones trust in you, and you cannot easily restore it. All you can do now is try to overcome your addiction, and re-build a life for yourself. In time, if you can prove you have beaten it, some family members may accept you back, but you shouldn't hold out hope of a full reconciliation with your wife.
This may sound harsh, but it's better to face up to it now, and start to sort your life out.
Ken.
Reply:
DavidM
61 Posts
Sat, 14th January 2012, 10:32pm
At the end of the day you have broken your wifes trust and I imagine she has no faith in you at all.
She is now doing what is best for her and your baby.
She has told you she fears her cancer will come back with the stress.
Now you have to put her and your baby needs first.
You need to support her by respecting her decission.
As for no chance of reconcilliation.It is only early seeing your wife is only 3months pregnant you never know what can happen over time.
But if your wife does stand by her decision then this your opportunity to become the most supportive and wonderful ex husband you can be.
This is your opportunity to be the best dad for your child.
You see your wife and child deserve to have you at your best.
So the easy way out really isn't an option.
kind regards David
Reply:
MartinB
36 Posts
Sat, 14th January 2012, 10:34pm - updated - Wed, 28th March 2012, 4:40pm
Content removed at member's request
Reply:
gardenlen
10 Posts
Sun, 15th January 2012, 6:38am
g'day martin,
always somewhat difficult to offer any suggestions without being face to face.
i fairly recently went through similar with you addictions except ad the booze in and some rough housing.
i am one for dealing with cause and effect, that is the things that affected us are more likely to be the effect and if we make an effect the cause, then change may not be long lasting, as the cause is still there in the background.
my objective observation is AA and anger management type programs make the effect the cause, saw my father trying to deal with alcoholism through AA. for those who get help i would hope it is long lasting and unites them with their parteners and family.
for most well for me at least teh cause started in my upbringing so that is teh level i started at, then i needed a better crutch to lean on through life so i began a bible study and replaced all those things like you had which showed no respect for my wife or family with something more substantial.
i still spend lots of time online, but doing better things, including my family tree history and helping people thare as well as with my garden page.
the end result of our up bringing is a poor self esteme this is the inner self esteme not teh one where outwardly you look great in designer clothes, that is an issue.
so do some self-esteem reseach online, or go to teh library, don't try and read some tome cover to cover something you can read in maybe 20 min's just read esteem topics that sem to fit. you will want to turn knowledge into action to get a result.
my result could not be any better for 8 years now and still fine tuning, and i'm again a husband, dad, and granddad. have never has any temptations to booze and porn and checking out the eye candy if i can say that.
for us early involvement in councelling failed us, even my councilling in mens help failed as they have no real answers, and tend to deal with the effect.
len
http://www.lensgarden.com.au/
Reply:
EliotMess
44 Posts
Thu, 26th January 2012, 4:11am - updated - Fri, 27th January 2012, 12:04am
Ouch, Ouch, Ouch.
Are you still going with the sex-craving problem?
I believe Loneliness can foster/fester the need to seek for something, hollow as it may be.
You may have been terribly lonely wthout realising it. Pressing buttons is much easier than honestly searching your feelings, your heart.
Loneliness drives people, but they won't admit it..."Got a wife, house, job, superficial mates, no worries...."
If this is you, how are you responding to it?
Reply:
EliotMess
44 Posts
Sat, 28th January 2012, 3:24am
gardenlen writes
--------------------------------------i fairly recently went through similar with you addictions except ad the booze in and some rough housing.
i am one for dealing with cause and effect, that is the things that affected us are more likely to be the effect and if we make an effect the cause, then change may not be long lasting, as the cause is still there in the background.
my objective observation is AA and anger management type programs make the effect the cause, saw my father trying to deal with alcoholism through AA. for those who get help i would hope it is long lasting and unites them with their parteners and family.
for most well for me at least teh cause started in my upbringing so that is teh level i started at, then i needed a better crutch to lean on through life so i began a bible study and replaced all those things like you had which showed no respect for my wife or family with something more substantial.
len
Dear Len
I got confused by the above. Are you saying you believe AA does not remove the cause of alcoholic drinking (for those who follow its method)?
Eliot
Reply:
shores54
8 Posts
Sun, 29th January 2012, 4:26pm - updated - Wed, 28th March 2012, 5:16pm
Hi MartinB
Havent been in the Shed for long but I have been following your posts. You really have suffered a lot in life. If you want to chat then I have put in a request to join up as a mate. Its up to u. I have good listening ears.
Peter
Reply:
shores54
8 Posts
Mon, 30th January 2012, 8:59pm - updated - Wed, 28th March 2012, 5:20pm
Hi Martin,
The offer is always there if you do want to chat on the mate section. I have been through pretty well everything that you are going through and so I sort of know how you are feeling. Sometimes, you just have to finally accept what you have done in life and put all that behind you so that you can move on with your life.
Peter
Reply:
EliotMess
44 Posts
Tue, 31st January 2012, 12:30am
MartinB
Call me paranoid, but I am getting alarm bells.
Still 3-4mo pregnant to you, she's run to house of, then the arms of, a convenient Stranger? It IS your unborn child, right?
And you ceded control of your finances to her.
And she won't discuss it, uses emotional amperage to put you off discussing it.
You find this power balance in line with your affairs prior to this date....?
Reply:
Ken_67
486 Posts
Tue, 31st January 2012, 7:24am
Hello, Martin.
Like Elliot, I'm not sure I am getting the picture. You say you have a joint account, but she won't let you access it. I was not aware she could block you from using a joint account without a court order. I assume you have a regular income. Does all of this go direct into the account? How are you paying bills? What about day-to-day living expenses? How does talking about cash not 'keep it friendly'?
Maybe I'm misinterpreting something here.
Ken
Reply:
MartinB
36 Posts
Tue, 31st January 2012, 10:10am - updated - Wed, 28th March 2012, 5:22pm
Content removed at member's request
Reply:
Gary Cooper
666 Posts
Tue, 31st January 2012, 1:22pm
MARTINB>
Without getting into all of the detail of your story and circumstances, my conclusion is that you are consumed by domestic naivety. Time to get serious and set a straight course.
Why not join up with SHORES54 (Peter) as a Mate and have a chat. I'll stay on standby if you need.
Gary
Reply:
Ken_67
486 Posts
Tue, 31st January 2012, 1:32pm
Hello, Martin.
Thanks for clarifying that.
As for you child, the way I see it, you and your wife don't look like being a couple again, so naturally she is looking elsewhere. She is naturally concerned that any new partner is going to be a good surrogate parent, for the child to be raised in a safe, secure family. This does not mean you cannot still be the father, and if you show you can be a good role model, I"m sure she will let you share in the upbringing.
If you cannot reach a common ground about the house, maybe it would be better to wait until you are actually ready to sell before you discuss distribution. By then one, or both, of your circumstances may have changed. and you can discuss it with a clearer mind.
In the meantime, get your personal problems dealt with, so you can be a better person to everyone.
Ken
Reply:
vk2byf
32 Posts
Tue, 31st January 2012, 1:34pm
I tend to call a spade a spade so if you are easily offended don't read on.
From a purely practical point of view let me see if I understand the situation as it looks similar to my situation exept I remained faithfull. 16 months of my life wasted.
She asked you to move out and now the new boyfriend has moved in?
You are paying the mortgage, she has the house and contents.
You will pay child support, gladly I hope, while "they" live in your house.
In my case she refused reconsiliation and I moved out. BIG mistake. The cops wouldn't even allow me back to my house to get some of my clothes. They threatened to arrest me if I tried. There was no domestic violence. The cops are judge and jury apparently.
She ended up with the house, furniture, car, 50 acre rural block of land and I ended up with around 25% of the total assets and had to pay child support.
Ok you stuffed up but do you deserve to loose everything? No. She bounced back fairly quickly with the new boyfriend.
It's time to take stock and make plans for a new life. Don't walk away empty handed like I did.
At 45, I thought this is the end. I'll just turn into a drunken old fool but no, I found a woman or she found me and we have been happily married for 16 years now. We paid off another house and life ain't to bad.
It won't be easy at first but once you deside to get on with life and dig yourself out of the hole you're in and start making plans, your spirits will rise and you'll start to feel better.
Just look forward and forget the past. Accept that you have to pay for the mistakes of the past and look forward to when things run smoothly again.
Don't isolate yourself in self pitty. You stuffed up, it's over, pay the price and get on with it.
Join some kind of group of people for support and company and get on with life. It's sounds easy and heartless but there aren't too may choices. Shure it hurts sometimes when I think about the past. It hurts that I can't see my grand children but life goes on.
I feel your pain friend
Doing 'the right thing' is not always the right thing to do.
Bob, on the South Coast NSW
Reply:
MartinB
36 Posts
Tue, 31st January 2012, 2:14pm - updated - Wed, 28th March 2012, 5:17pm
Content removed at member's request
Reply:
EliotMess
44 Posts
Tue, 31st January 2012, 9:26pm - updated - Wed, 28th March 2012, 5:18pm
Yeah, but you are right about the division of the home equity. Divide proportionally now. She will come at you later for the full maintenance income, regardless. As soon as she feels like it. It's the law.
Unless you get some kind of signed legal agreement governing the future. You probably need a lawyer. That's what she'll do in time. If she doesn't naturally lean that way, a friend will get in her ear anyway, once they get the goss.
Your recovery will not come from meekly copping a financial ravaging. You will only be trying to buy off your guilt. I don't think it works. [If you want, you can pay me a few thousand, and I'll fly over and berate you. Slapping will cost extra. (ok, that is just a joke
).]
So don't move out, lest she get possession.
And don't quit your job! You need and deserve income for your self-care, your child and your maintenance. What if the baby has an expensive medical problem? You're the one the bills will fall to.
Trying to find a new job in this phase will be a whole new kind of stress. And you won't even get paid for it.
Eliot the Paranoid
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