Caring for wife with bi-polar. Exhausted.

JB70

7 Posts
Mon, 6th June 2011, 10:15pm

An update - she's just come home and gone to bed. Sat on the couch with me for a while - I tried to chat and explore what might be on her mind.

She's very angry, but not "with" any specific person or thing.

She's repeatedly saying "there's nothing you can do, there nothing that can be done".

I tried to explain that I've noticed her mood slipping over last few days. I did not do a good job of that. Discussion ended up turning to me - she want's to know "how come you're not happy, how come you dont do things to make yourself happy? The kids are noticing you are not happy"

I say that it's simply that I relax and feel happiest when my family is all feeling good, that I dont feel like jumping for joy when I see my wife feeling sad and ungrounded - but there is a deep part of me that wants to yell "what do you expect when I work 1.5 jobs and have spent weeks doing 90% of the housework - when am I going to have some fun?!"

But that is not how I really feel - and there is a grain of truth in what she says.  Pschologist told me once that I had permission to have have some fun occasionally.

I dont want to make her feel worse, I certainly dont want her to feel like a burden.

But there are days like today, where I'm so tired, so emotionally worn out - that I really dont know what to say.  Anything I do say makes things worse... I'd sleep on the couch tonight, but that would make things worse as well.  So I'll head to bed soon, and make myself as small a target as possible, pretend there is nothing wrong, and try to sleep through it.

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wines65

1,467 Posts
Tue, 7th June 2011, 6:44am

Hi JB70,

I am up a bit early today and immediately noticed your story. I am so sad to hear the situation that you are in and the health of your wife. There are no winners in this sort of mental health illness. You have to realise that you have to seek help. Although we like to think so, we are not an island. There are lots of things that happen to us where we need some assistance i.e. someone to talk to etc. about the problem. This will ruin you and your family unless you do seek help. I am not too clued up on where to find this help but I do know that its imperative that you seek help quickly. Maybe a community health centre for a start. You just have far too much on your plate at the moment. Lighten the load a little by sharing. There are lots of people on here who know where to find such help and hopefully, someone will notice your cry for help and contact you. Sit down with some paper by yourself and write down the things that are not important that you can discard. Even though you may not think so, there will be some things that are not as important as you, your wife or your family. Get rid of everything that you can so that you can lighten your load. Maybe some voluntary home care/cleaning etc etc. Give yourself some gap. Then seek professional advice as to where to go from there.

Not much advice JB but advice that I believe you should put in place IMMEDIATELY.

Best for your future JB,

Robert 

wines65ofMargate(Ex Silentio)

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JB70

7 Posts
Tue, 7th June 2011, 8:20am

Thanks Robert,  I really appreciate your response.

I have sought help in the past, and saw some very good psychologists for a while - I was labelled with Post Traumactic stress disorder, and severe anxiety and depression...  The PTSD was in response to "dealing" with my wife's issues.  It certainly helped, and give me some tools to take the edge of the worst of my responses.

But at the end of the day, it just made my wife feel like crap that she "had given me PTSD". I spend most of my time trying to avoid anything that is a trigger to her having a bad mood.

I'm painting a very dark picture - but it's not that bad, and it's certainly not all the time. This has just been a sinking few weeks, and this week is a hard one. That's all.

I stopped seeing my psychologist after a year, basically because it had turned into a "chat"session. I loved going to see the psych: she understood our history, was a non judgemental ear, and was supportive... But basically I was startingto look on my $200 and hour psychologist as a friend... It started to feel a bit weird.

I suppose part of me trying to get some "immediate" help, is to post on here. Feels a bit better just to have typed it out and told someone I'm having a hard week.

There'll be sunshine again in a few days, I'm sure.

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Rickardo

163 Posts
Wed, 8th June 2011, 2:44pm - updated - Wed, 8th June 2011, 2:52pm

Gooday JB70,

I hope to day is a better day for you, I cannot say I understand and know what you are going through because I dont and unless one is in that situation they would not understand. I certainly know it would not be easy for you or your wife or the family for that matter and I certainly empathize with you for that reason.

Just a suggestion that may help you and your wife if you could have a talk to the mental health team member (with out her knowledge) who knows and understands the situation, they may be able to arrange for a person who would have to be a person who your wife does not know or even seen, this person would need to be with you at your home for a visit or two under the pretense of being a mate of yours from work or somewhere and be there for the reason of doing an assessment on your wife for the severity of the situation. The reason they should not be known to your wife is that people with that kind of problem or issue can mask it to make it look somthing different or not that bad when being assessed. (I say this with the greatest of respect to your wife) Keep in mind she is being more tormented than you and being of the knowledge they are being assessed is very traumatic for the victim of the illness (Your Wife)

Good Luck with the situation, try and be patient with your wife and yourself as well, I understand it certainly is not easy and would not be an easy for you. Take care mate, you are among friends when you need to talk....Richard.

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SteveinPakenham

31 Posts
Thu, 9th June 2011, 10:13pm

Hey mate, Your story touched me. Im not sure if your wife is seeing a psycholigist or not but she really needs to badly. I would hate to even imagine what she has been through in her life but on the same note its unfair to yourself not to have some sort of 'Quality" life as well. Least with a Pyscholigist or Pyscharist they will help her out without judging her. Sometimes the best set of ears are the ones we dont know personally.

good luck :)

steve

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Vinay Nair

2 Posts
Mon, 13th June 2011, 11:31pm

Hi JB,

Have you tried connecting on social networks with other like minded individuals?

It might be an idea...

Also , I am a mental health support worker and I have supported my partner through her mental episode in the past.

The first point of contact before you wear yourself out would be to get in touch with Commonwealth Respite and Carelink Centre ( 1800 052 222) who support carers.

I am happy to assist if you want to connect. :)

"Do not judge and you will never be mistaken." -- Jean Jacques Rousseau

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Ailie

1 Post
Wed, 3rd August 2011, 1:08pm

Hi JB

Firstly I will say that I am a chick, I hope you guys don't mind me invading your shed. I come here occassionally to read through some posts as I find blokes are a lot more sensible and level headed at dealing with problems than women who seem more intent just whinging and blaming men which I find quite infuriating. With that in mind I'm hoping I can add a slightly different perspective :)

So first up, nobody should expect you take all this on yourself, and neither should you. Your wife probably doesn't even realise what pressure this is placing on you because when you're down it's often hard to look beyond yourself. Having said that, something needs to snap her out of it. For me knowing that my misery is getting my partner down is enough to snap me out of a bad patch. I see it as part of my duty as his partner to not drag him down with me. It seems for your wife however that she is in a lot deeper and needs something more than this, but first lets worry about you!

Why don't you hire a cleaner? I know it costs money but it doesn't have to be for much. Also, are your family living near you at all and can help out? Call your Mum! Or how about asking your wife to help you with something small?

And if you need to explain why you're getting the help for this simply say 'I can't do it all on my own'. Don't make it about her not helping, make it about you. I'm tired, I need a break, I can't do all this, I want someone to help so I can have some spare time or spend more time with you. If she feels bad about it, then well frankly she should, she's neglecting her responsibilities as a mother and as a partner, but then like I said, that's what I would think and I'm not like most women. She has to start helping herself, there's only so much you can do and continually tip toeing around the issue isn't going to help. I say that as someone who's been there, and whilst I'm not suggesting you should start blaming her, you need to know that you can't fix her, that's her job

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wines65

1,467 Posts
Wed, 3rd August 2011, 4:19pm

Hi Ailie,

I am wondering if you realise the date of the posts by JB. The date is shown just under his title. One unfortunate thing that we are encountering in here is that guys (usually guys) post a message, looking for guidance, help or just venting their problems and receive replies from other caring members. In a fair number of occasions, we never hear back which is a very big shame as its always nice to hear back from the guys and how things have turned out.

It would be very interesting if males posted messages on women's sites. I don't think we would be too welcome. I am not having a go at women, its just that the differences are so great. Because of these large differences, it seems that difficulties such as JB and his wife are having, are quite difficult to solve.

Robert 

wines65ofMargate(Ex Silentio)

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JB70

7 Posts
Wed, 3rd August 2011, 11:21pm

Quote from Ailie’s comment on Wed, 3rd August 2011, 1:08pm:

... I hope you guys don't mind me invading your shed.

...simply say 'I can't do it all on my own'. ..., you need to know that you can't fix her, that's her job

Thanks Ailie,

I do appreciate your feeback, and it's gratifying at one level to here people say that it's not my burden to carry by myself.

But when my wife is in a bad mood, the LAST thing I'm going to say is "i'll get a cleaner in"... that would be perceived by her when she's in that state, as a complete affront to her abilities, and would push her deeper into depression and anger.  The only thing that works is quiet, unassuming, subtle support.

And when she's feeling good, like she has been for the last week or so, then I'm not going to bring it up either, because I want to enjoy every second of happiness and lightheartedness that happens - I wont risk triggerring guilt and anxiety that will spiral into another black episode.

I think that I just have to suck it up, be strong, and ride this rollercoaster. 

She does seek help more these days - has been doing some group therapy lately that seemed (mostly) to be positive. We have good and bad weeks, and for the last month it's been more good than bad.

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JB70

7 Posts
Wed, 3rd August 2011, 11:33pm

Quote from wines65’s comment on Wed, 3rd August 2011, 4:19pm:

...we never hear back which is a very big shame as its always nice to hear back from the guys and how things have turned out.

 

Thanks Robert,

It's great to have a place to be able to come and vent.  And I think that from my own perspective, I probably should come back to the site more often.  We lead busy lives, and I know I need a prompt sometimes to follow through.

(Which your post has been!)

Re my situation: I survived the acute episode that my wife was in when I first posted.  We came out the other side of that, and have had some ups and downs since, but nothing that serious since I posted that at start of June.

We'll have 3 or 4 days of happiness, and then maybe 2 days of depression, and then cycle again. She had a bit of manic episode last weekend, and I had to get the kids out of the house for 2 days as she decided she was painting rooms - best just to give her space.  And the rooms look nice :)  

People have mentioned respite, and getting other people in to help - and I understand why that is suggested - but she would be mortally wounded by such a suggestion.  If I keep chipping away at the housework, and dont make a big deal of it - we'll make it through.  At the end of the day, it's pretty simple:

I love her, and I love our kids - my job is to protect and care for all of them. So I will.

But they will likely be times I want to come and have a whinge on here as well :)

Thanks everyone.

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wines65

1,467 Posts
Thu, 4th August 2011, 9:41am

Good morning JB,

Thanks for your replies. I really sympathise with you at the moment. A very difficult situation. I believe that you may have touched on to a very good idea when you said..."And I think that from my own perspective, I probably should come back to the site more often.  We lead busy lives, and I know I need a prompt sometimes to follow through." Talking about your problem I am sure, will help you a lot. Sharing your problems with others, although not fixing your problem, may very well ease the pressure. I know that when I first messaged you, I said I couldn't provide much advice, I now realise that by chatting to you, will hopefully help.

You surely must realise that your situation just cannot continue the way it is. You just cannot continue working at that pace under all that pressure. Pressure will build up and then what ??

I can understand about your comments about NOT getting in a cleaner. When I read that suggestion, I understood what that would lead to. Some very hard thinking is required and some decisions have to be made for you, your wife and your kid's sake. You just cannot continue the way you are going.

Keep up the chats in here ok ?? I really am concerned for you and I would like to know how things are going from time to time.

Robert

wines65ofMargate(Ex Silentio)

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slak

10 Posts
Sun, 7th August 2011, 1:28pm

Hi my name is SLAK and live in se melb> I also have a wife who suffers Bi polar and was diagnosed about 11 years ago. He illness arose after the birth of our 2nd daughter and this tiggered off  several suicidal attempts and saw many visits to a hospital ward specialising in these illnesses. We tried the anti depressants and all that and found the only way out was the brutal ECT and lithium salt mood stabelisers. So far she has been out of hospital for over 6-7 years and has done a really great job at maintaining her well being and health and no relapses. I do find that this illness makes suffers talk fast do lots of things almost mimicking on OCD borders and that our marriage has suffered big time in the closeness aspect as it has made me shy away due to the stong personality she has now, can never be wrong and is very loud in public sometimes and also likes to bring up issues put to bed years ago that seem to be stored in her phsycie and brought out as ammunition in an argument which is so frustrating to me, that she cant let go of some of these past issues. IS THERE ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE IN THE SAME BOAT!!!!!!!!please tell me i am not alone and what answers have others found to combat this..

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The Shed Team

56 Posts
Sun, 7th August 2011, 1:56pm

Hi Slak,

Thank you for posting on the Shed Online. It sounds as though supporting your wife through this experience has been challenging. It is really great that you are reaching out and talking about the difficulties you have faced as a partner and carer of someone experiencing depression.

The good news is that there is a lot of support, treatment and information options available. We would like to offer some referrals which maybe useful for yourself and other Shedders in similar circumstances:

beyondblue Information line: 1300 22 4636- For 24 hour information and referral for depression, anxiety, Bipolar and Perinatal Depression.

Mensline Australia: 1300 78 99 78 (24 hour telephone counselling for men experiencing any form of relational or family concern).

Carers Australia: 1800 242 636 (support for carers Australia wide).

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 (24 hour crisis counselling for people experiencing suicidal thoughts, carers for someone suicidal, and those bereaved by suicide).

If yourself or someone you are caring for is at immediate risk please 000 for immediate assistance.

We wish to remind members to be mindful of language used, remembering to adhere to the Shed terms and conditions helps to ensure that the Shed remains a safe and supportive environment for everyone who reads it and gets involved.

Kind Regards,

The Team at the Shed Online.

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downunder

212 Posts
Sun, 7th August 2011, 5:04pm

Hey JB70, as a Bipolar sufferer myself I hope I can give you some help to things back into perspective, some of the things you have written are;

Anyway - there are definately reasons in her life to have some serious issues, and I have chosen to walk the path forward with her. I try to be supportive. I really do.

and she sits there, thanking me, getting guilty, but not able to get up and help. Some days it's like she is just wallowing in her own self-pity, and I dont blame her , but i just cant *fix* it. I wish I could

She's repeatedly saying "there's nothing you can do, there nothing that can be done".

I dont want to make her feel worse, I certainly dont want her to feel like a burden.

I think that I just have to suck it up, be strong, and ride this rollercoaster

my job is to protect and care for all of them. So I will.

One of the first things I will say is that it seems she is not medicated properly, either she is on the wrong medication, or has built up a resistance to what she is using and needs more or different, speak to her Doctor about this ASAP.

You are hanging on to the edge of a roller coaster and acccept you cannot fix it, us guy's do want to get in "the shed" to fix things but sometimes we have to learn some things are out of our ability and need to let the experts fix it.

Not meaning to be disrespectful to our "ring in" who quoted;

"Having said that, something needs to snap her out of it"

Bipolar doesn't work that way, and in most cases depression doesn't either, but Bipolar episodes generally need to run their course, when she comes out of a "down" is a good time to talk to her, I don't know your financial position but if she was accepted for a Disability Pension and you could get Carers allowance the part time job could go!

Get in contact with a Carers support group for yourself, try Anglicares Personal Helpers and Mentors program for your wife if she will agree, NO ONE else has helped me.

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slak

10 Posts
Thu, 11th August 2011, 11:40pm

JB if it is of any help and you live in the Melbourne suburbs there is an organisation called ARAFEMI that is based at 270 Auburn Rd Hawthorn ph 98109300. They have groups that get together for both carers and consumers of Bipolar disorder the next being on the !st Thursday in september at 730pm to 930pm. You are in a group of people who understand this disorder and live with it everyday as both a sufferer and a supporter of a sufferer. They also have groups on other alternate months where the carers only and the consumers meet on their own and talk about their situations in a supportive environment. The key is to get your wife along to a meeting with you and then encourage her to go to the meeting on her own where she is amongst peers in a similar situation. Anyway maybe this can be of assistance to you regards SLAK

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Gary Cooper

670 Posts
Fri, 12th August 2011, 3:50pm

SLAK - G'day >

I had a look at the web page for ARAFEMI in Hawthorn (Melbourne). On my impression it seems an excellent resource.

Thanks for your initiative in posting it among your personal guidance message for JB (& others too).

What I did, I snaffled it and posted info about the Link under Feedback in General for the Shed Team to take onboard.

Gary

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slak

10 Posts
Sat, 13th August 2011, 12:07pm

Hi Garry Cooper cool name. Thats ok about the Arafemi info. I put it out there for anyone to use who is in a geographical closeness to it. I have been to many of the carer and carer consumer meetings and the groups are small from 3 some nights to over 20 on others and the night is generated by the attendees, who come from all over Melbourne. The topics discussed on the various nights are strictly kept in house to that group and not shared between the carer/ consumer groups. The people facilitating the night are there to keep everyone on an even keel and try to give new people a bit more time to settle in. You can say as much as you are comfortable with or nothing at all until you feel it is good for you. Anyway hope some of the members who are experiencing this illness or caring for someone with it can benefit from the info... SLAK

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wines65

1,467 Posts
Sat, 13th August 2011, 1:43pm

Hello Slak,

I have noticed that you have commented on "Gary Cooper's" name and that it is a "cool" name. Oh dear me, we won't hear the end of that from Gary. He told me that he had the choice with his mother at birth, either "Gary Cooper" or "John Wayne". 

Anyway, good luck to you Slak (a slak name), and I do hope that things turn out ok. Helpful bit of info about the ARAFEMI.

Robert

wines65ofMargate(Ex Silentio)

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